Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
