There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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