ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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