i already hear my dad disowning me
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
