It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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