On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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