a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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