ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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