thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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