the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
