Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
and you fell through a lawn chair
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
