Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
