he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
