first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
