I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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