i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
