we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
