You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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