Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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