True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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