It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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