I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
