Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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