I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
