we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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