hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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