I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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