who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
