What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
