why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's never too late to be topless.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
