The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
