Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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