i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't deserve a penis
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
