So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
