Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
