Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
