after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
