Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
