My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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