If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
