I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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