the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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