I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
