My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
