I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
