Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
