Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
