Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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