I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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