I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
