the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
