The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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